Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!
by ayafangirl
Summary: Cartman and Kyle fight so much! But what happens when they switch bodies? Will they be forced to get along? No pairings, some KylexCartman if you squint. Cartman's POV
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All South Park-related things are owned by Matt and Trey...I just made a cool story out of it!

I'm BAAA-AAAACK! This isn't a romance story, but don't worry, if you squint, there's some Kyman goodness. Please enjoy this story, it's a favorite of mine!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 1: It Could Have Been

It could have been a great day. You know when you just wake up and feel happy to be alive? I was going to see all my friends at school, my mam made a delicious breakfast…yup, just fine. I slipped into my nice, warm red coat, grabbed my knapsack, and headed out the door. The weather was a perfect Colorado fall. It was cold enough to see your breath, but not uncomfortably cold. I exhaled a long breath, watching the vapor slide out from my lips like smoke. Doesn't that just sound gorgeous? Well it was. I made my way to the bus stop, pausing to look at my three friends.

Even though I hated him, I was probably closest with Kenny McCormick. He was tall and thin. Well, probably thin because his family didn't have the money to feed him properly. As usual, his facial features were hidden by his orange parka. Too bad, because between the pure blue eyes, gentle smile and flowing light blond hair, he was pretty damn hot. At least that's what most girls say. I think he's poor and therefore nothing more than a piece of crap! Kenny was a known pervert, but also very shy. I often wondered if this personality had anything to do with his tendency of dying. Would it really be worth it to be out-going and make tons of friends if you were just going to die within a few days anyway? Not that Kenny ever let shit like that get him down. He nodded as I stood between him and Kyle Broflovski.

Kyle was smaller than both of us, and though he was thin, he wasn't as bony as Kenny. He was a smart little goody-two-shoes with a bitch of a mom and a temper like a minefield. Like his mom, the ginger could always find something to bitch about…it was his hobby. I really hated Kyle; especially that bright green ushanka he wore to cover his red curls. His green eyes darted to me so quickly; I may have just imagined his ever looking my way. He did stuff like that a lot. He's so indirect and creepy.

"Hey, dude." Stan Marsh actually bothered to talk. He was my third friend and aside from being a total hippie and best friends with Kyle, he wasn't sooo terrible. He wore a brown jacket and red and blue hat over his ebony locks. The dark-blue-eyed hippie must have been in a good mood to be talking to me, telling me once again that it was going to a perfect day. The bus came and we departed for school.

XXX

Ah, yes. The continuation of the day that could have been perfect proceeded without a hitch until fourth period. That was when we got our break. As usual, Stan and Kyle led the way with Kenny following aimlessly behind. I followed suit.

"So, what do you wanna do?" Stan queried.

"It doesn't matter," responded the gingerJew. Oh, yeah. The reason I hate Kyle? He's Jewish. I mean, it's not like I'm anti-Semitic or anything, I just hate Kyle and he's Jewish. Anyway, we finally settled on doodling since we only had a few minutes.

Kenny drew girls...with huge racks. I mean H-U-G-E. Ew. What else is new?

Stan drew a football stadium. The freak was even designing uniforms for the team to wear. What a weirdo.

Kyle doodled different faces and expressions. He had this dumb combination of innocence and concentration on his face. It was nauseating, really.

I drew a dinosaur. An effin' sweet dinosaur with fire breath and dragon wings and fangs and a lizard tail! I mean, I was proud. My dino was the pinnacle of cool and I should know, right? So Kyle looked up, green eyes scanning my work.

"Hey, dudes," he simpered in his high, girly voice. "Fatass made a self-portrait."

A self-portrait?! I didn't look like that! Shock ran through my system. How dare he?! My surprise and hurt turned to anger rapidly. Leave it to Jewboy to instigate.

"Ay! Shut up! It is not!" I snapped.

"Yeah," Stan sided with me...wait. Stan sided with me? "It's his dad." So he didn't side with me. Kenny frowned. He knew that kind of thing cut deep. Real deep. I knew my poor friend felt bad, but the redhead simply snickered at the hippie's remark. I stood up, infuriated.

"That's it! It's not true so DON'T LAUGH!!!" Mr. Garrison looked up, glaring. Oops, I had raised my voice. Kyle blinked. I shouldn't get mad. It was a great day, after all.

"Why not?" he asked, his voice challenging. "I bet that's just what he looked like, Cartman. I mean, I can see the resemblance. And we all know your mom'd do anything that moves--"

BIFF! DRIP-DRIP-DRIP.

I moved so quickly, I hardly registered what happened. But suddenly, I was standing over Kyle, who was holding his nose as blood dripped from it. His face was contorted in pain and he looked utterly shocked.

"Eric! Eric, what did you do?" Garrison's voice boomed from behind me.

"Me?!" I cried, turning away from the bloody idiot crumpled beneath me. "He insulted my art, Mr. Garrison."

"No violence in school." he snapped, Mr. Hat waving frantically in his right hand. "Detention! Today! 3:00!"

"What!?"

Stan snickered. "Serves you right, Tubby." he mumbled. He was helping Kyle to his feet. "Mr. Garrison, can I take Kyle to the nurse's office?"

"Of course, Stanley," he responded.

"Fine," I growled, "go make out in the hallway."

"One more work from you and I'll extend that detention, Eric. BREAK IS OVER, STUDENTS!"

Kids all returned to their seats, grumbling. I sat in mine, simmering.

XXX

Well, I wish now that I could tell you that I got over our dispute. That as the day went on and Kyle returned from the nurse's office with an ice pack over his nose, we were forced to make up and I felt remorse for hitting him and he for insulting myself and my mam, all because we're friends and that's what's important. But this is South Park. Mr. Garrison didn't give a damn about us fighting. Neither did any of our classmates. It was normal, expected, even. After all, I was the loud mouth, rude, fatass, ego-centered Nazi. And Kyle just happened to be the short-tempered, goody-too-shoe, razor-tongued son of a no-good bitch Jew. We were enemies. He may have instigated this fight, but the chances were it'd be my turn next. And so went the cycle of life.

I at least might have worried about getting said gingerJew back another time had detention not been quite so miserable with Craig flipping me off, Clyde sobbing in the back corner, and Kenny drawing topless women all over my homework paper. (In case you're wondering, Craig was there for flipping Principal Victoria off one too many times, Clyde for slapping Bebe's butt and Kenny for dying on school grounds on Monday.) Oh yeah, and after detention as I walked home, the sixth graders rode their bikes past me, sloshing icy water from the side of the road all over me. I finally did return home, drenched, shivering, and homicidal.

Funny thing about me, when I say homicidal, I mean it quite literally.

Kyle'd be dead by sundown tomorrow.

Uh-oh! Fear not, I'll update in a few days! Tell me what you think in a lovely review!


	2. Chapter 2Dumb Luck

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park. Matt Stone and Trey Parker beat me to it. Damn them!

Whoo, chapter two! Guys, serioushlah, thanks for the reviews, they made my day. I really am very proud of this story and I promise it really picks up after this chapter. Review this chappie anyway!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch.2: Dumb Luck

I was feeling pretty good the next morning at the bus stop...for different reasons than the day before.

"Morning, Kenneh. Stan." I greeted evenly.

"Hey, dude."

"Mmf."

Kyle didn't seem to notice that I didn't add his name. I couldn't wait to see him dead. It'd be so great! I could almost taste the irony blood pouring out of his cracked skull...I couldn't help it; I spoke again.

"And an especially good morning to you, Kaaahl." I drew out the name as long as I could, it rolled sharp and sweet on my tongue, no doubt making his skin crawl. He kept himself composed and turned to me.

"Hey, Fatass," he chirped cheerfully before turning back.

_Gr!_ He got me, OK?

Not that it mattered. The bus was coming. I had to act quickly. I grabbed my knapsack. The plan was simple. Make sure I was the next-to-last one on the bus. Make sure Kyle was right behind me. Spill at little oil on the steps and 'whoops!' he'd fall back. Now our bus driver, Ms. Crabtree doesn't particularly care for us kids. She's been known to drive off before students are in their seats and send them flying. That's why Kenny's usually the last one on (who cares if the poor piece of crap dies?). With Kyle under the bus, she'd unknowingly take off, crushing Jewboy into a road-ladka. Ha!

I stepped on, dropped a big glob of oil and hurried up the steps. Maybe it was my imagination, but I thought I heard a distinct 'whoa!' behind me. I grabbed a seat at the back of the bus as it drove on. I grinned, awaiting the carnage. There was none. Where in the world was--

"Where in the world is Kyle?" Stan asked.

"Mff-mm-mph-mmm." Kenny answered.

No, Kenny. He didn't miss the damn bus! Maybe his body was caught under it though. Yeah! Once at school, I sat at my desk feeling satisfied.

"Hey, Stan."

"Oh, there you are, Kyle." I froze, shocked. "Where were you?"

"I slipped off the bus and Mr. Crabtree drove off without me! Psycho. Anyway, I managed to get up and onto the side walk. Otherwise, she woulda driven right over me, dude! I saw your dad though, and he gave me a lift to school so I wasn't even late!"

"Jeez, dude. You're lucky you didn't get squashed." Stan's voice expressed worry for his friend. "Didja hear that, Cartman? Crabtree almost drove over Kyle!"

"Well, well, well. I guess you're lucky, huh, Kahl?"

"Yup. It seems that way."

_Dumb luck, _I though, simmering. _Dumb luck._ Unfortunately, his dumb luck continued. During recess, I hid under a slide and pulled out a rifle from my bag. Oh, if you're wondering where a nine-year-old gets a rifle, remember that this is South Park. Also, you're reading fan fiction. I could sprout wings and zap Kyle with lazer eyes if I really wanted to. So I aimed carefully. Jewboy, Stan, and Kenny were playing tag. I followed him with my eyes and gun.

"Come on...come on...SHOOT!"

BAM!

Damn it. Kenny ran in the way unwittingly and died. Stan and Kyle looked shocked. Then, they resumed tag. Growling at Kenny's stupidity, I tried again.

Ka-shink!

Empty? There was only one bullet left?! "Damn!"

Back at class, I dipped the end of his pencil in arsenic powder. (Kyle tends to bite erasers when deep in though during class. Twitching as usual, Tweek walked over to Kyle.

"Hey, Kyle—Gah!--could I b-borrow a pencil?" he asked tentatively.

"OK, dude." he answered, handing him the one I had found on his desk and poisoned. Tweek turned to walk away and tripped over his own two feet, the clumsy idiot. Kyle's pencil flew from his hand and out the door.

"Dammit!" I cried.

"Ack! Sorry, Kyle!" the blond cried, terrified.

"It's fine. There's more in my bag...here you go."

_Dumb luck, dumb luck, dumb luck! _"That's it!" I wailed. I rose from my desk and grabbed my last resort—a carving knife. "You're gonna die, KAHL!" I knocked him out his seat, pinning him down under me. He glared in an angry surprise when he noticed that I was indeed holding an actual knife above him and glaring at his exposed neck.

"H-hey!" he gasped.

I slid it down against his jugular, snickering. "Bye-bye, Kahl Broflovski--"

"That is quite enough, Eric!"

Huh? I turned to find Mr. Garrison glaring down at me. While I was distracted, I felt Kyle wriggle one arm free and desperately try to push my knife from his neck.

"But Mr. Garrison--" I started.

"No buts! No violence in school, Eric! Put your toy knife away and get off Kyle or it'll be another detention!"

Grumbling, I obeyed. At least our teacher didn't believe the other students as they tried to convince him it was a real knife I was using. ('Don't be ridiculous, class! A nine-year-old boy couldn't possibly get his hands on a real knife! Now let's get back to math...'). Class resumed. Kyle looked shaken; he kept passing me nervous glances. I returned them. After all, it was dumb luck the redhead was alive. Dumb luck, dumb luck, DUMB LUCK!

Still no luck for our little Ericy-poo. Don't worry, it gets better. Now review and make me love you again!


	3. Chapter 3 O My Jesus Christ Monkey Balls

Disclaimer: I do not own Matt and Trey's South Park, but I should because I is da bomb.

Whoo, story picks up here. Cartman's temper overflows and he and Kyle truly experience hate. My, my, we'll have to do something about that.

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch.3: Oh My Jesus Christ Monkey Balls

Late that afternoon, I stormed to the Broflovski residence. No surprise, Kyle answered the door, expression darkening when he saw me.

"Listen, Fatty," he hissed, "the adults may not believe me, but that was a real knife at school today. I don't know what your problem is, but--"

"That's easy. You." I cut off. "You're my problem, Kahl. You always have been. You always will be. So, I decided to end my problems. You know, take the initiative--"

"Kill me?!" he asked. Less afraid, more like, surprised. Like, why would anyone want to hurt the town's perfect little angel?

"Yes, precisely." I simpered, reaching forward to grab his neck. His eyes widened in alarm, but still not the fear I expected. I squeezed gently, then let go. I could feel the blood pumping through his jugular. Smiling, I turned to leave.

"So...then it seems you're the one who should die." his voice called thoughtfully I stopped dead in my tracks but didn't turn, afraid I'd strangle him right there. Not that that was a bad thing, but I wanted the moment to be right.

"And how is that, Kaaahl?" I questioned.

"We hate each other, but wishing death on another human being is so...barbaric. I mean, when psychos like you take over, we get into war and violence. When I go to temple with my family, I learn how I can improve society and help people. Because, well, that's what life's all about. But you're...evil, Cartman. You should die, not me." Typical Kyle. There wasn't much malice in his tone, he spoke matter-o-factly. This infuriated me to no end. I spun around, fuming.

"NO! Assholes like you deserve to die! You don't deserve to live, Kahl, cause you're so naïve and rude! I want you dead, Kahl, more that anything else in the world! I hope you die, it'll do us all a favor! The only thing better I could think of is killing you myself, you worthless Jew!"

"Y-Y-YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE! YOU BARBARIC NAZI!"

"JEW RAT!"

I ran like hell. Behind me, Kyle screamed one more explicity and slammed the door, but I wasn't listening. He was right! Damn it to hell, he was right. I did deserve death more than he did. But I couldn't admit it to him. All I could do was scream and anger him, make him hate me so my own hate felt justified. Most importantly, unlike Kyle, stupidly waiting for me to kill him, I wasn't going down without a fight.

Heh, for all I knew, he wanted me to kill him.

XXX

I woke up the next morning not wanting to open my eyes. I curled up closer into my covers, glaring. Maybe I could get Kyle alone somewhere today. Poison him...shoot him?

Beep-Beep-Beep.

Damn alarm clock. I got up, unable to see in the bright sun that was pouring into the room. As I trudged downstairs, something hit me. This staircase...this house...was Kyle's.

"What the hell...?" I muttered.

Wait.

The voice that escaped my lips—wasn't my high, scratchy, nasally tone. It was high and child-like—Kyle's voice. I ran back up the stairs. I knew the house well since I spent so much time there. I dashed into his room and jumped in front of the mirror.

And Kyle stared back at me.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" his voice cried. I had to get out of here! I dashed back down past the kitchen. His mom called something out, but I ignored her. His little brother looked up as I ran past him.

"Brudder..."

"NO!"

I ran blindly into the street and crashed into a wall. The wall grunted. Looking up, I saw what—or rather, who—I had run into.

I stared back at myself.

"Oh, my Jesus Christ monkey balls."

Sorry it's a cliffhanger...more soon, I promise! Thank you for the reviews, they make me smile...so review some more! Tell me how you liked Twilight, I loved it! Oh-and my story too!


	4. Chapter 4 Switched

Disclaimer: I am not Matt. I am not Trey. South Park is not mine.

Let's pick up where we left off...this is getting fun!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 4: Switched

That's it. That's what I said. It was the first thing that came to mind. The best way to describe being Kyle and seeing myself. The weird part? The 'me' seemed to get it.

"C-Cartman?!" my usual voice asked incredulously. That perplexed look in those eyes, that intonation...it was--!

"Kahl?!"

We both leapt to our feet.

"Omigod!" we added in unison.

"This is your doing!" I accused.

He rolled _my _brown eyes. "Oh, yeah, right. How the hell could I do that? Look at us! I woke up like this...as you. And I'm guessing you woke up as me?"

"Well, duh!"

He nodded. "So...how did this happen? Has anyone else been switched?" We both looked around. Everyone seemed to be normal. They didn't bother to tell us to get out of the streets. All the people around us seemed much more interested in their own lives than in our strange predicament. What did they care? They didn't have any problems. "It doesn't look like it," he answered his own question.

Now I was pissed. This was probably his fault anyway and he seemed so calm. Maybe being me wasn't so bad, but I sure as hell wasn't going to walk around being a Jew for the rest of my life! I grabbed the lapels of my red jacket and pulled our faces close together. "Listen, Kahl. I don't know how or why this happened. But between my engineering genius and your book smarts, we can get back to our own bodies. If you don't help me, I'll kill you here and now!"

"That's it." he said.

"What?"

"The reason we're switched...it's like that movie...it's cause we don't get along. We hate each other, in fact, you want to kill me! In order to get back, we need to learn to get along!"

I know it sounds stupid. I mean, it was my own face I was staring into, but he was just plain ruining it. Looking into my hazel eyes but seeing Kyle's soul was disgusting. I pulled away from him. "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard."

"Got any better ideas, fatass?" he quipped.

I smirked. "Who's the fatass here?"

He flushed, angry but silent. Of course, he broke the peace soon afterwards. "We should tell our parents."

"No," I disagreed, "they'll think we're crazy. We'll be sent to the hospital where some daft adult will saw us open to get our souls out. Think about it, Kahl."

He sighed, realizing I was right. "So then....what do we do?" he asked hopelessly.

"School starts in half an hour. We go. Me as Kahl Broflovski and you as Eric Cartman. Got it?"

It was kind of creepy, being glared at by myself. Well, my body anyway. Kyle sure didn't seem happy by this idea. I could practically hear the gears in his brain grinding as he tried to form a better solution. "I guess we can't do much else, can we?" he groaned in defeat.

"Nope. Not really, Jewboy."

"You can't call me that in school, tu-- Kyle!" he snapped. I chuckled. I wasn't 'Tubby' today. Or 'Fatass'. It was kind of cool. In fact, it was fun to be small like Kyle. He was frail, maybe more nourished than say, Kenny, but still frail. "Well then, c'mon. We can grab breakfast at my—your place. Mam won't notice a thing."

He nodded and trailed after me, waddling awkwardly. Ay! It's not so hard! I'm not fat!

Heh heh...Cartman's so fun to write for! Snippy, isn't he? I'll get the next chapter up soon so you can see what happens to these two dolts!


	5. Chapter 5 Complicated

Discliamer: Too lazy to think of something witty. Please see previous disclaimers.

Whoa...where did I go? I actually FORGET to update while I'm on here...how pathetic is that? Well, here we are for another funny round. Actually, this isn't the greatest chapter but the end's kinda funny. Read on!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch.5: Complicated

Of course Mam believed Kyle when he told her, "Kyle's having breakfast over." She didn't pick up on the strange accent...or lack there of. She simply said "OK" and left the room.

"It's Kahl," I corrected through my Beefy Logs once she was out of earshot. His temporary chocolate-brown eyes drilled into my temporary kelly-green ones.

"Absolutely not! As long as I'm stuck in your fat ass, I think I should at least be able to pronounce my own name right."

"That's just the way I speak, Kahl." I hissed in total exasperation. He didn't seem to care. Pushing himself away from the table, he stalked outside.

"I'm going to the bus stop." he muttered under his breath. "It'll look more normal if we don't go together anyway."

I glared until he was out of sight. He really needed to get that sand out of his vagina. Wait...my...vagina? I noticed that Kyle had hardly touched his breakfast. _Oh well,_ I figured, swapping my empty plate with his full one. _Waste not, want not._

XXX

I made my way to the bus stop. Kenny was there and as I arrived, Stan did too.

"Morning, Kyle."

It took a second. Kyle didn't respond. Oh, right.

"Uh—morning, Stan." I said awkwardly. Then I smirked; Kyle looked disappointed that his best friend had failed to acknowledge that he too was there. Heh heh.

At school, I took Kyle's seat and he took mine. I smirked once more, this time because Butters came up to Kyle and smiled.

"Wull h-hey, Eric," he greeted.

"Huh?"

I couldn't resist. "Don't worry about Cartman, Butters."

He glared at me. "Duuuuude," he threatened me.

"Oh. Well, I just noticed...y-you don't look so good, Eric."

Annoyingly, Kyle seemed touched. "Oh. Thanks, Butters. It's nice for you to be so observant. I'm just having an off day, thanks for caring."

The blond was elated that 'I' was being kind for a change. I wanted to slam my head into a desk. Those feelings only escalated. As Mr. Garrison asked (stupid) questions, Kyle kept shooting his...my...hand up with an, "I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison!" Everyone was confused. Why was the annoying fat Nazi raising his hand while the gingerJew star student stared uncomfortably at his desk? Things go t worse at recess. As we walked out, Stan took my hand, pulling me over and forcing our eyes to meet. His eyes were glowing an angry cerulean blue.

"Kyle? Dude what's up with you today?"

"Uh—um—nothing."

"Cause you've been acting weird all day...Kenny noticed too."

"Mff-mph-mm-mf." Kenny piped.

"I'm just being myself--" I struggled.

"No, you're acting like Cartman. Did he bet you to do this or something?"

Kyle plunged in. "Stan. Don't bother with him that asshole. He's just--"

"Stay out of this, Fatass!"

"Mmf!"

"Now why are you acting so dumb?" he ordered me to answer.

"Ay! Who says I'm acing dumb? Whateva, I do what I want!" I gasped. Stan and Kenny gasped. Kyle looked about ready to strangle me. "Um..."

"CARTMAN!" Stan accused. Kenny didn't seem to understand what had just happened.

"You idiot! You asshole!" Kyle exploded, pushing me hard. I had never really noticed how much our weight difference counted for, and I fell to the ground, frowning as he seethed above me. Stan frowned from me to Kyle.

"So...you...are Kyle." he said pointing to Kyle. "And you...you're Cartman. Just switched." he added, furrowing his brow.

"Mwuff muh muuuumck?" Kenny demanded.

Ha ha, Stan got it. Dead give away, Eric-sweetie! Hope it was funny...review if you loved it...or hated it!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I ran out of funny ideas um...I don't own South Park but I do own a funny clown on a unicycle. JK! HAHAHAHA! It's not working...

Woo, more! This one is kinda sad...boohoo...read it anyway!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 6: The Secret Life of the Colorado Bully

It was during the end of the day that Kyle realized he hadn't brought his—my?--his textbook to class. He was excused to go get it. It was well after he had left that I realized something: he was wandering the hallways alone—last period! Coming up with some lame excuse, I too flew from the classroom and ran towards my locker. I couldn't let him know! I couldn't--

"Hey look, it's Fatso."

_Crap!_

"Huh?" I heard Kyle ask the voice that had addressed him. He was getting good at reacting to my name (and various rude nicknames).Mike Smith, Bernard Rodgers, and Steven White walked over to him, grinning. I hid behind the wall, peering around the corner. The three of them were fifth graders. Big ones who liked to skip class and wander the halls. Anytime they caught me, it was the same old story:

"Gimme your lunch money, Porkey. You sure don't need it." Mike teased.

"What? No way, dude." he snapped. They all kneeled down to his—er—my--level, simpering.

"What's that, Tubby? Listen, we've been through this before. You give it to us or someone gets hurt."

"What are you talking about?" he asked. I winced. _Please, Kyle, please. Don't give them trouble. You don't understand, they have—_Bernard reached into his bag and pulled out a stuffed animal. Not just any stuffed animal, my favorite. Clyde Frog, my only true friend in the world. They'd swiped it out of my bag a week ago. In those few days, they had swindled me out of a decent amount of money and a free movie pass I had received a while back from some school raffle. "Aw, come on Little Eric, give us the money."

"Hey, that's not yours! It's Car—mine! Give it to me!"All three smaller boys snickered at Kyle's temper. It was only rising more and more, which wasn't safe. His teeth gritted and his eyes narrowed darkly. "I said, give that back." he said slowly.

"What? Are you telling us what to do?" Steven asked incredulously. Kyle leapt for Clyde Frog, missing due to the height difference. Bernard sneered and pulled the arm of Clyde Frog until--

RIP!

_No!_ I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. Anyone but Clyde Frog. My beloved stuffed animal had been mutilated. De-limbed. His right arm was completely detached from his body. Kyle looked shocked. Then, he looked mad.

"Hey! Look what you did!" Mike had slipped behind Kyle. He reached into my—his--screw it!--red jacket, pulling out a five dollar bill. That was supposed to buy lunch for the rest of the week.

"Thanks, Fatty," he smirked, kicking Kyle hard and making him fall forward. Bernard sprinkled some of Clyde Frog's stuffing over him and stalked off with the others. I couldn't stand it. I rushed forward. Kyle was climbing to his feet slowly, looking shocked.

"Kahl!"

He jumped and looked at me sadly. "Cartman, I—um—well,"

"I saw, Kahl."

"Oh." I plucked some stuffing from his hat. My hat, whatever. "Sorry."

"No, don't worry about those guys. They're assholes. I'll get them back, you can count on it, Kahl. Some day soon!"

"But, dude. They have your animal-thing." I could feel the tears burn the back of my eyes again as he spoke these words. This time, there were too many to stop. Clyde Frog...A pair of brown eyes widened. "Cartman...?"

I ran. I ran from him as fast as I could. Was this how Kyle felt when I bullied him in front of his friends? It hurt too much. The pain that clenched inside of me. Not only the pain of losing my stuffed animal...I had been dealing with that for days. But the humiliation of Kyle seeing my tears. Seeing my miserable and crying because of a little toy the likes of which he probably didn't play with anymore. I hated them. I hated him. I hated myself.

OK, so I'm shooting for 50 reviews by the end of this story, do you think I can make it? I'll try to make this story as awesome-to-the-extreme as possible, and you all give me lots of reveiws! Everybody go and I'll update soon!


	7. Chapter 7 Kenny and Stan

Disclaimer: I don't own it. This funny situation is even kinda cliche...I'm high and dry with nothing to own!

Yet another crazy installation. Enjoy please!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 7: Kenny and Stan

Class had ended by the time I was ready to face public again. I rushed out the doors to find Kyle, Stan, and Kenny walking down the sidewalk.

"And they thought I was Cartman, and they ripped Clyde Frog, and he cried."

"Dude!"

Damn it, Kyle'd gone and told the whole story. Knowing him, he hadn't skipped any details. Stan and Kenny seemed to be in disbelief of his story.

"You know, I didn't think Cartman was the type of person to cry." Stan mused thoughtfully.

"Dude, you don't think we're switching personalities too?" Kyle asked, sounding petrified.

"Mff-mh-mph." Kenny said.

"No—I mean now that you're Cartman, you get to see all the problems he really has. That Clyde Frog thing meant a let to him and you let those fifth graders break it. Think of how much that must have upset him."

"Du—how can you say this is my fault? Cartman's the one who--"

"Look," Stan cut in sternly, "this is just as much your fault as it is his. I know he's a total dick to you, Kyle, I'm your best friend and not saying things like that are justified. But no one is that cruel for absolutely no reason."

"Mf-nff—mn -fmwuuh?" Kenny asked dubiously.

"No, Kenny. Not even Eric Cartman."

I jogged up to them. It was easy when I weighed like 40 lbs.

"Hey, you guys."

Kyle did that things where his eyes flew so fast I thought he hadn't really looked my way at all. Then he looked at his feet.

"Hey, Cartman."

"Mmf."

"Um.." he looked up. "Cartman...sorry about before."

I took a deep breath. "Oh, please, Kahl." Don't let them get to you. I'm not worrying about those losers so neither should you. As for Clyde Frog, I'll just have my mam buy me a new one. Oh, yeah...your bitch of a Jew mam is my mam now. Goddammit, I'm screwed!" I giggled evilly.

He seemed relieved that I wasn't angry, because he didn't even acknowledge the joke. Or maybe he heard it and just agreed with me. It can be kinda hard to tell with Kyle. The four of us spent the rest of the afternoon at Stan's house, doing homework and watching Terrance and Phillip. It was fun, Stan really calmed me and Kyle down. He was really nice... or maybe he was just being nice because he felt bad about Jewboy's blabbing the whole 'last period' thing. He better not be nice because he felt sorry for me! I—I'd kick him in the nuts! Whatever the reason for everyone's being so nice, it was a lot of fun. Kyle was worried about eating over at my house. He feared my mam's cooking wouldn't meet his diabetic and kosher needs. And asking for a meal that met those standards did seem a bit spontaneous, so he ate over at Stan's. Kenny and I trudged home, me to Kyle's house and Kenny to his trailer.

"Mmf-mph?" he asked.

I forced a brave smile. "Please, I'm fine, This can't last forever, Kenneh. And when things work themselves out, everything will go back to normal."

His bright blue eyes sparkled dubiously, but he nodded nonetheless. "Hm-mn?"

"Nah. I can't entirely blame Kahl. His mam's a bitch, but he tries to fight it. He tires to be...tolerable."

"Hm?"

"Maybe, Kenneh, maybe." I smiled as he nodded again. Kenny was so therapeutic. Was it any wonder why I was friends with the poor piece of crap?

Whoo! I love Kenny! Review if you love Kenny!


	8. Chapter 8 Ike Broflovski

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park like Matt and Trey...they're probably counting their blessings as we speak.

Whoa...where have I been? I didn't update! LAZY JERK! OW! My inner-selves are hurting me! Sorry, I just kinda went all-out the past two weeks for Christmas. But here's one of my favorite chapters...so enjoy the holiday gift to all you readers!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 8: Ike Broflovski

I managed to survive dinner at Kyle's house. Don't ask me how, because of that I'm not so sure. I don't know how I avoided latkes, knish, and whatever the hell that stupid fish is called either. Why is the Jewish..._Hebrew_ language so dumb? We ate some pasta. Pasta! But it wasn't name brand; it was some Kosher, low carb crap with red sauce. I didn't hate it. I mean, it was food. Still, I was tired from such a rough day so I just crashed in front to the TV once I was done. After a few minutes, Ike came over and babbled. Stupid Kyle's brother. What was that supposed to mean? I had no clue. But he pointed to the TV so I gave him the remote. That's the thing about Kyle's little brother; only Kyle understands him most of the time so without a toddler translator, you just have to intemperate whatever he says. I guess I was right about the TV thing, because he took it and switched to the news. Of course. A freakin' genius, just like his older brother.

I frowned at the screen, not really paying much attention. Ike kept passing me weird glances. Or I suppose they were weird. It's also hard to tell what he's thinking. Canadians all kinda look the same, y'know? After a little while, I rose and entered my temporary room . At leas I hoped it was temporary, it didn't seem like I'd be myself again any time soon. Changing into Kyle's PJs might have been fun had I not been so depressed at this point. I could have inspected his supposedly perfect Jew body. I could have taken pictures for future torment. Instead, I simply slid out of the jacket, jeans, shirt and boxers, swapping them for clean clothes. I sat down, marveling at how nice it was to be so thin.

I decided to just go to bed. I laid down in his bed, thinking. I'd woken up here this morning in a different body then when I'd gone to bed. The day before, I'd tried to kill Kyle. The day before he'd ruined what could have been a perfect day. Had it really only been one day that I'd been Kyle? How long could this last? I was overwhelming myself with all this depression! A small voice cut off my thoughts.

"Brudder?"

"Ike?"

I looked up. Ike was frowning from the doorway. Or...I guess it it was a frown. He walked over to the edge of the bed. I crawled down to the foot of the bed and looked down at him. He trepadacously raised his tiny hand to my hat...oh, yeah, I hadn't taken it off. He pulled on it and I tilted my head, letting it tumble off. Kyle's red Jewfro was revealed. The hair he hated. Yeah, I made fun of it, but I didn't hate it. It was a luscious reddish orange color and thick. His soft curls flew out in every direction. It seemed more controlled and silken then usual...I wondered if my taunting had made him self-conscious enough to use styling products. For some reason, that thought didn't make me happy. Ike didn't seem to like the results he got removing my hat.

"Not...brudder?"

"It's me," I assured, "no one hiding under the ushanka."

His black eyes bored into mine. He pointed right at me. "Not brudder. Fatass."

"Ay!" Oops. Again (damn!) I gasped. Ike just seemed upset.

"Kyle?"

I frowned darkly. "He's fine, I swear. Just...me."

Confusion.

"I mean, he's me and I'm him. We're switched."

"Oh. Wow." he took this in surprisingly calmly. He just seemed worried about Kyle. Wow, it must be nice to have a sibling to love you. I filled him in on the details although I can't say quite why exactly. I mean, how desperate can you get that you explain something to a baby that you don't understand yourself?! I explained all my pains and trials. When I was finished, Ike raised his arms.

"Up, up." I lifted him onto the bed. He hugged me. Ike Broflovski hugged me. "Not brudder," he babbled. "Eric. Friend." Eric? I didn't know he even knew my first name, let alone registered it. How much did Kyle talk about me at home?

"What?" I asked.

"Ba bah, upset. Bababa lonely. Bah bah buh Kyle's friend."

"Bah bah bah," I answered, hugging him back. Yeah, I hugged a Jew. Like I said before, I'm not racist or anything.

There you have it. Sorry it's short, but it was one of the funnest ones to write...I love Ike, you see! And it was fun to create my Eric's outlook on him. So, there was some hinted KyCart and a little perversion, but as I said, nothing much. So while I think of it, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa...and there's also a Muslim New Year, right? I'm sorry, but I don't know the spelling, if anyone wants to inform me, I'll add it in! Review now please! ^-^


	9. Chapter 9 Kyle's Resolutions

Disclaimer: I own a Kyle bobble head and a Cartman dressed up as Santa that I got for Christmas, but I don't own South Park!

Hey, y'all. Hope you had a good holiday. I'd like to thank Tiger-Cub684 for leaving me so many kind reviews...they made me soooo happy. That was Craig by the way. Anyway, follow Tiger's example and review! Time for Kyle to play hero now!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 9: Kyle's Resolutions

I woke up the next morning hoping maybe I'd be lucky and back to myself. Too bad I woke up in Kyle's house, in Kyle's bed, and in Kyle's body. And not in the dirty sense of the expression, either. I ate a decent kosher breakfast and met my friends, Stan smiled and Kenny waved. Kyle looked up. His eyes didn't flicker, he looked right at me, right into my eyes.

"Good morning, Cartman."

I was surprised by this. "M-morning, Kahl."

He grinned. Really, truly happy. "Today's gonna be a great one; I can tell." he turned to share a smile with Stan and Kenny. What were they up to?

XXX

At school, my expectations were, well, low. I took my seat and buried my head in my arms. This was how most of my day progressed. That is, until the end of the day. I looked up, surprised when Kyle asked to use the bathroom. Then Kenny conveniently 'stabbed himself with his pencil' and Stan had to take him to the nurse's office. I doubted Mr. Garrison would let anyone else leave the class, so I slipped out when his back was turned. What was Jewboy planning? As I rounded a corner, I froze in shock.

"Aw, the little piggy's back. Miss your stuffed animal friend?"

Mike! And it wasn't me he was talking too. Much like yesterday, him, Steven, and Bernard were all standing before Kyle, who grinned mischievously up at them. Shat the hell was that idiot thinking?!

"Actually," the body-snatcher chirped matter-o-factly, "I do. And I want him back right now."

Mike leered over him menacingly. I felt a pang of fear. How many times had he done that to me? How much worse would it be when I was back to myself and Kyle had made them angry?

"Then beg for it, twerp. On your knees!"

"I want to see Clyde Frog." he demanded calmly but sternly. Mike nodded to Bernard, who pulled the two halves of the toy out of his bag. Maybe if I wasn't so apprehensive, I would have laughed about the absurdity of their holding onto the thing for so long. He dangled the two pieces over Kyle's head.

"C'mon now, Fido. Beg for it." he teased.

"Nah," he drawled calmly. "Not today. STAN! NOW!"

I jumped when he raised his voice and realized with shock that Stan had appeared close behind the three older boys while Kyle distracted them. He was holding a slingshot. I recognized it as the one I had gotten him for his birthday. Strange he hadn't thrown it out. He flung what looked like an eraser at the back of Bernard's head. In shock, he dropped Clyde Frog's severed arm into Kyle's awaiting ones. He smirked triumphantly as they blinked in shock at the raven-haired boy.

"Kenny!" Stan cried.

Kenny jumped out from behind an empty classroom door and seized the rest of my beloved friend.

"Run!" Kyle ordered now that they had succeeded. (Well, Kenny kicked Mike in the shin first, then took off.) Kyle and Stan split up with the hooded boy trailing the dark-haired boy.

As if he knew exactly where I was, Kyle spun around the corner, grabbed my wrist and pulled me back behind a water fountain without breaking stride. We hid until we were sure the older boys were gone. Kyle was out of breath, clearly not used to tugging so much extra weight around. He still turned to me, smiling proudly. There was I spark in his eyes that I realized for the first time I had missed for the last few days. I hadn't seen it since we had been in our respected bodies. The spark of life, passion, the one he usually glared at me with.

Now, Kyle seemed beyond excited. Breathing heavily but still not talking, he passed me the two pieces of Clyde Frog. I didn't need to catch my breath, but I couldn't talk either. I couldn't think of what to say, so I didn't talk. I did smile though. And we spent the rest of school sitting silently, basking in our own glory.

Sorry that took a while to get up. Aw, and it's short too. Oh, well. Now that Kyle's kicked some ass, the story's gonna draw to a close. Three chapters left, I think. Don't forget to review and I hoped you enjoyed!


	10. Chapter 10 Kenny Helps and Doesn't Die

Disclaimer: I'll be sure to alert you all the second South Park really does become mine.

OK, winding it down with some kinda KenCart fluff. OMG I love Kenny! So yeah, have fun and thanks to all who reviewed...I have over 50 reviews! SQEEEEE! Oh, btw, the full name of the chapter is this, not the shortened version. (Look down now)

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 10: The Chapter Where Kenny Actually Holds Some Significance...And Doesn't Die, Either.

As we walked home, we met up with Kyle's accomplices.

"Stan! Hey, Stan! Kenny, are you guys OK?"

The jogged up to us. "Hey," Stan responded, "we're cool, dude. You and Cartman got Clyde Frog?"

"Yeah, dude. It was awesome! Did you see their faces?!"

"Totally!"

I watched, a little jealous. They had risked their own skins for me, and now they were excluding me yet again, reviling in their adventures. I hardly even noticed Kenny until he had slipped right next to me.

"Mmf."

I jumped. "Jeez, Kenneh! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Mph," he apologized, "hmp, mf-mm."

I nodded. "Yeah, fine. Kahl."

He looked up, still smiling from Stan's comment. "Uh-huh?"

"I'm going with Kenneh. Uh...thanks."

He looked surprised. "Yeah, no problem, Cartman. It...it was my fault anyway."

With a shy smile, I left with the hooded boy. We made our way to Starks Pond. More out of habit than anything else, we had always gone as kids, after all. We were the only ones there, and Kenny pulled off his hid, long blond hair falling around his face down to the nape of his neck. He only ever took his hood off in front of me. Like I've said, we're probably the closest since Stan and Kyle have their 'bestie' thing going on. We're not as sweet to each other as them, but we don't have to be. The trust is there.

I frowned, noticing a few dark bruises along the blond's face. "Kenneh...?"

"Steven and Mike," he explained, voice unmuffled due to the lack of cloth in front of his mouth. Wow, that sounded dirty. "I fell back so Stan wouldn't get hurt when they started gaining on us," he continued. "I mean, what's another death, right?" he laughed nervously. "But I didn't actually die. The person they really wanted to hurt was you, er...Kyle, technically."

"Oh."

"So, my turn to ask questions. Why are you so depressed?"

"Hm, lets see, Kenneh. I'M TRAPPED IN A JEW'S BODY! I HATE KAHL! AND NOW THAT I'M HIM, I STILL GET ALL MY OWN CRAP!"

He frowned. "What crap?"

I paused. How could I explain it? "I...I guess I thought, if I was Kahl, at least people'd actually like me. But...now people just think Jewboy's lost his touch and the fat idiot's just gotten nicer. It's not fair."

Kenny looked up at the cloudy sky. His messy blond hair fell over his eyes. "Well, you switched bodies, not personalities. Eric—Cartma—Eric. Kyle's just as independent as you. Maybe even more. He needs help from others though 'cause he's just a kid. But...people like to help him because he's so kind and tries so hard to work things out himself. Kyle is...the kind of person people like to help. People feel obligated to because he's so endearing. You try to be independent too. Like him, you need help. But you don't make people feel good about helping you, you're very ungrateful. You annoy people."

I sighed. "Yeah. You're right."

He gave a small laugh coupled with a little smile. "But I expect that from you. You're my friend, Eric. Don't think that being anyone but yourself will be easy. You're not supposed to be anyone but you."

"K-Kenneh...wow."

He giggled. "Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. You guys'll be back to your own bodies, I just know it."

Damn, Kenny was something! I felt so much better now. He had the confidence I needed. While I was feeling level-headed, I decided to try to do a better job of sorting things out with Kyle. A confrontation where we didn't scream at each other was long overdue.

Whoo, but what happens when he goes to Kyle?! A short chapter, that's what, so bear with me, the last two chapters are super-short. Review please!


	11. Chapter 11 Fade to Black

Disclaimer: I don't own it. quit asking me, it's a blow to my self-esteme! WAAAAH!

Hihi! Sorry this is sickenly short, but hey, awesome cliffhanger so read and find out what happens next!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 11: Fade to Black

I knocked on the front door, almost happy when my own face greeted me. "Hey, Kahl."

"Cartman, hey. What is it?"

I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. "I, um...I...I wanted to apologize."

Frown. "For what?"

I rolled my eyes. "Threatening your life, maybe? You know, saying I was going to kill you? We were both out of line. That's why we switched bodies, right? I don't want to kill you anymore. You're not so bad after all and maybe we can be a little more...like friends?"

"Uh!" he looked shocked by what I had said. "Yeah. That sounds good, Cartman. I forgive you. So...wanna go to Happy Burger?"

I'll bet my eyes were doing that sparkly thing Kyle's eyes do when he's happy, "Yeah, c'mon!" I pulled him out the door and began to make my way down the street with new friend in tow.

Suddenly, Kyle let out a little gasp. He fell to his knees and then to the ground.

"Kahl!?" I demanded, eyes widening in fear.

He looked up at me with terror. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He pleaded for me to help him in a silent scream, and then he lost consciousness.

"No! Kahl, what's wrong?! What is it?!"

Had he gotten my body but kept his diabetes? Was his blood sugar too low? Was he...in a coma? Choking? I fell to my knees before him, in confusion, checking for a pulse, breathing, anything.

There was nothing.

I shuddered, realizing I was staring at my own corpse.

Kyle was dead.

Tears pricked my eyes, burning down my face as I sobbed over him, gasping his name. My chest ached, it felt like someone was crushing my heart in their hand. Whoa...my chest _really _hurt. With a choked sob of pain, I fell over my friend's dead body, losing the fight for Kyle's as he had lost the fight for mine. Everything went black.

AHHH!!!! KYLE! CARTMAN! REVIEW OR I'LL KILL KENNY TOO! JK.


	12. Chapter 12 Sadist Nazi, Bitchy Jew

Disclaimer: Ha, right. I own South Park. Hahahah, good one.

Now, really. Did you all think I was gonna kill Kyle? Jeez, you gez, just get that sand outta yer vaginas, why dontcha? Relax, I could never kill Ky-Ky or Ery. That being said, the story about their little misadventures is ending and I would like to thank you all imensly for reading and reviewing. You guys all made my day and I think this is my most reviewed story ever! Whoooooooo! THANK YOU! GRACIAS! ARRIGATO! MERCI! Read on and I hope you enjoyed!

Help! I'm Trapped in a Jew's Body!

Ch. 12: Sadist Nazi, Bitchy Jew

The sound of voices and the moaning of my own name brought me back. I listened more and more, wondering if I was dead. I opened my eyes.

"Eric!" my mam cried, flinging her arms around me, "oh, my little poopsikins is alive!"

"M-mam?" Wait. How did she know I wasn't Kyle? And where was I? I looked around. I was in a hospital bed. The glaring lights were killing me. So bright...I looked in a mirror. I saw...me! I was Eric Theodore Cartman again!

"We found you and your little friend passed out in the street, but the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with either of you." my mam explained.

"Wait! Kahl?!" She pulled away and nodded to the other side of the room. In chairs, Sheila, Gerald and Ike Broflovski sat. And in a bed beside them lay Kyle.

"KAHL!"

He looked as exhausted as I felt. "Good," he mumbled, his voice was raspy. "You're all right, Fatass." with that, he lay back on his pillow and fell asleep. It seemed like a good idea, so I did the same.

XXX

"Guys, wait up!" I called, jogging over to my friends. They waited and I took my place between Kenny and Kyle. Both of them seem genuinely happy to have me there. "Where're we going?"

"Arcade?" Stan suggested.

"Mmf."

"Yeah, sounds good."

"Fine, we can buy snacks from the convenience store," I reasoned. Kyle snickered. "What's so funny, Jew?"

"All you ever think about is food!"

"Ay! So?"

"You're such a fat—"

"Don't even say it, Kahl."

"--ass." Stan and Kenny giggled. They thought this was the funniest thing in the whole flippin' world.

"That's it, Jewboy! I'll—I'll kick you in the nuts!" I lunged for him. He cried out and tried to run, but I had his arm. I hit him playfully and he tried to do the same through his laughter. Yeah, I'd say we were fighting less. Sure, were still called each other names, but I didn't want him dead. I don't think he wanted to hurt me,either.

"Mmf-phm." Kenny said, making Stan burst into another peal of laughter.

"Ay! Don't take his side, you poor piece of crap!"

Kyle just snickered, green eyes sparkling. Yeah, yeah. The bitchy little Jew always gets the best of the Nazi sadist. But hey, I'm happy. I mean, at least I'm me and he's him—wait—no--yeah!

The End.

There you have it. I really, REALLY hope the end wasn't too dumb and that you enjoyed the story. I had a blast writing it and I hope to have some more stuff up soon. It might be a little while though...I'm taking a break for midterm and HMEA (music) studying...but this is me. I can't resist the urge to type pointless stories about 9-year-old cartoon characters. I'll see you soon, my loves. REVIEW!


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